How To Be Asshat Party Rentee

Working in the wedding/party rental business is something I never thought I would be doing. That being said, that it goes without saying that prior to working in the business, I had no idea how inconsiderate people were when renting items. Now, not all people are inconsiderate - many are considerate. Many people actually follow the directions, and return their rented items clean and on the right day and time and tell us, "please let me know if I forgot something." Dishes and silverware, for instance, are often missing a plate or a few pieces of flatware. We simply call the rentee about it and they look again and find what's missing was accidentally put with their stuff or something. But it's typically the inconsiderate ones you remember most. Probably because you spend you free time at work complaining about the latest asshat who refused to pay for the items returned broken.

So here's how to be an asshat party rentee:

1. Don't read the fine print on the contract that you signed. Because reading it tells you that you are responsible for any and all damage to items rented while in your care. But keep on believing that if you never read it you won't have to abide by it. Wallow in your ignorance.

2. Don't return your rented items on the specified day and in the specified time. Never mind that it's all on your contract that returns are X day from blah to blah. If you don't feel like returning you trailer load of rented items for an extra day or so, it's no big deal. Those items don't need to be cleaned and re-rented for someone else's wedding next weekend. Nope. Not at all. Because it's all about you.

3. Fight tooth and nail to not pay up for items you broke. Because who wants to pay out an additional $80 or so for a 60" round table that you loaded wrong in your truck (after specifically being told not to load it in such a manner) after paying $200 for your rental contract to begin with. So keep fighting it.

4. Put staples in gazebo or wooden arches that you rented. That whole bit in the contract about damaging items and us telling you to not put staples in our wooden items was meant to be ignored. Again, no worries, those items won't be re-rented to other couples for their weddings, so really, deface our property all you want. Knock yourselves out.

5. Don't follow directions when it comes to our dishes and glassware. The piece of paper sent in roughly half the crates that go to you for your event that says, "Dishes and Silverware must be washed and clean of food; Glassware: Do not wash! Dump out liquid and place glasses upside down in crate" is just so we can waste paper. Also? We love dirty dishes and glasses with liquid still left in them because you were too lazy to dump out the liquid as specified in the directions. We love plates with food still on them as well. Provides us with a much needed snack and beverage. So thanks for thinking of us.

6. Reserve a large order and bring a mini-van or a wanna-be truck (like a Ford Ranger or the like) to fit all your 8' tables, 200 chairs, linens and dishes. Because we can totally pull a Harry Potter and package it all up in a teeny tiny box or bag and load it up with no problem whatsoever. We make sure to hire only the best from Hogwarts for your convenience.

7. Make a reservation and don't bother to pick it up. And make sure to either not set your voicemail, make sure your mailbox is full, or have your phone tell us that you're "not accepting calls" for when we try to call you to remind you to pick your order.

8. Pay no mind to the delivery agreement. We only just say we do curbside delivery but we'll totally set everything up for you at no extra charge to you. Because our delivery guys have nowhere else to be and no other clients to deliver to that day. They'll also schlep your rented items all over the place because it's much cheaper than joining a gym.

9. Also pay no mind to the fact that we ask that you have everything tore down and chairs stacked for our guys when they come pick up your order. Again, our guys have nothing better to do than to stack (or in some cases re-stack the chairs because you can't follow simple instructions) chairs and schlep your items from the back 40 because you didn't understand us when we said to have everything ready to go for the delivery guys.

10. Grill us about our delivery/pick up charges. Never mind that gas is $4/gallon and we have to pay people to drive and load and unload your items. Remember, we hire only the best from Hogwarts to fit all your rented items into a teeny tiny box that we just send to you via the floo network so that whole "delivery" thing is a total hoax.

And that's just a few ways to be asshat with your rental business, whomever they are.