Pure Asshatery: The Story of an Asshat Job Description

Even though I am working part-time, I am still looking for additional part-time or full-time work. It is completely and utterly amazing how tough the market is. I have been applying left and right and one bite I had was Macy's. I might have actually taken it, however, this is why I didn't: The pay started at minimum wage, in mens shoes/luggage (I mean, really?), commission, and only guaranteed 5 hours per week. Let me repeat that last bit for you - 5 hours per week.

Are you fucking kidding me?! That doesn't even pay my gas to drive into town and back home.

Another bite was Petco, for an assistant manager position, but they chose to hire "in house". My most recent bite was a secretarial position at my old high school. In which I got a rejection letter exactly 4 days later, meaning they already had someone in mind and had those letters sent out lickety split. Thanks for wasting my time and making me wallow in self pity and cry for an hour. I appreciate it. Because as a girl I don't cry enough.

What I am finding is that not only are some job titles a tad bit misleading, but even the job descriptions are very misleading. Because when you read the fine print, you realize there is no way in hell you are actually qualified for that job.

Prime example: In the Sunday paper I noticed a job opening for the newspaper that, by reading the classifieds, I felt I was qualified for. (okay, so I totally "noticed" it like 3 months ago) Here's why:

Clerical - 25 hours per week

The Newspaper is seeing an office clerical person to work in our operations department.

Must be detailed oriented and have the ability to use excel with a high degree of accuracy. Data entry experience preferred, customer service and able to work independently a must.

Now, forgetting the grammatical error of "detailed oriented" (I mean, seriously? The newspaper can't even proof-read their own crap?), this sounds like something I could totally do. (Also remember I saw this in the physical newspaper). So I went online to apply at their website. And it was there that I realized how unqualified I really am for this position (also? that I apparently have been misinterpreting the word "clerical" all this time). Here's the job description from the website:

Performs work within the technical area of the packaging department for production of daily newspaper packages and other products.

Key Activities

The primary processes you conduct in

Learn and understand all packaging safety rules including chemical safety, hearing conservation, etc.

Properly set-up and load the inserting machine to allow for maximum efficiencies and minimum stops, ultimately producing a completed insert package. Must understand all light settings and drops.

Properly set-up and run the sticky note machine, ensuring quality application/placement and efficiencies. (Hey! Sticky notes! I know about those! Oh wait . . . )
Properly set-up and run stitch and trim machine to produce quality trimmed standard tabs and/or pony (mini) tabs. (sewing is involved?)
Properly set-up and run the in-line inkjet printer to produce quality package with clearly printed addresses on packages.

Properly set-up and run commercial and newsprint stackers, utilizing different bucket sizes.

Jogs and stacks publications onto carts, pallets or conveyors.  (They want me to jog??)
Must be proficient in make-up of bundle keys (identification) and zone draws according to circulation manifest.

Counts, straps, and palletizes bundles of product for distribution according to manifest draws, bundle keys, or pallet tags.

Assist with daily preventative maintenance and complete associated documentation.

When/if driving, ensures vehicle is under weight, performs maintenance checks on company vehicles; logs findings and reports any problems to supervision.

Operates forklifts and pallet jacks, loading and unloading pallets and other packages as necessary; maintains department and insert warehouse in an orderly fashion.

Submits accurate, effective reports in a timely fashion as required.

Participates in monthly packaging departmental safety meetings.

Keeps packaging production area safe, clean, and organized.

Correctly handles recyclable materials (as assigned) to receive best overall recovery of salvageable materials.

Works well with employees of the packaging department and other departments.

Handles all other duties as assigned.

Education & Experience/Certifications

Generally, minimum of two years of experience in newspaper packaging department required.

Must have forklift certification.

Must have acceptable DMV report and meet state required and/or company required insurance minimums.

Skills & Abilities

Excellent problem solving and basic math skills. (Yeah, that's a big fat NO)
Excellent people skills. Must be able to work well and constantly communicate (both written and verbally).

Must be able to work in a fast paced environment and meet all deadlines.

Must have solid organizational and computer skills including good working knowledge of general business software programs.

Must be able to operate and have solid understanding of all material handling equipment including forklifts, clamp trucks, walk behind lifts, pallet jacks, etc. (Um . . . NO)
Must be able to stand for long periods of time. Must be able to repeatedly and for long periods of time lift and load stacks of insert products into packaging machinery.

Exposure to paper dust. Exposure to constant machine noise. (Dust = Mess. NO)

Um. Nice. How the fuck is that a clerical position? How do you call this a "clerical" position at all?? You're running machines and forklifts. I have been inside newspaper printing areas and trust me, what this position isn't is clerical. Just because you're employed by the newspaper does not make it a "clerical" position.

The only other semi-logical explanation is that some dumbass mixed up the job descriptions.

Either way, talk about an asshat move, local newspaper.