Say what?

I'm not sure about the rest of the world, but I have had my fair share of funny/odd/stupid things said to me over the years. Anyone who has ever worked in retail can attest to the fact that some people are definitely a few sandwiches short of a picnic. But you can find these people or moments even in your workplace. Some things are definitely not stupid, yet are silly. Some just make you go "huh?" and think before you either understand it or decide it's not worth giving yourself a headache over. I won't be using any Psycho Suzi ones in this, mostly because those really belong in blogs about that situation where I can properly set the stage for such comments. (Trust me, they're worth it). However, here are a few anecdotes from the silly questions/comments to the annoying, to the really dumb.

"You know about horses, right? Well, what is a 'draft' horse?" (a horse that pulls heavy loads, like the Clydesdales - they pull that big Budweiser cart) "Oh, see, I thought they were called draft horses because they hauled the beer!" (I totally see where she got that! Easy to make that reference! But still, funny shit.)







"Can I put boy hamsters with girl hamsters?" (Sure, if you're looking to breed them.) "Don't they come to you fixed or something?" (O.M.G. who would PAY money to spay/neuter a hamster?!)

"I have this dog . . . he needs someone to visit him." (Uh-huh. You're old enough to be my dad, you're drunk, and this is your pickup line?) "He's at home, and he's lonely." (Seriously, dude, WTF? I'm going to have nightmares for a month.)

"What am I going to do with my machine? It keeps giving errors." (Okay, um, I don't know what errors you're talking about.) "Well, service called us yesterday." (FYI, I'm not psychic. I still don't know what you're talking about.) "It keeps beeping." (Yeah, that psychic-ness I mentioned earlier, still on the fritz.)

"I'm looking for a book on a dog breed." (ahh. easy.) "I think it's called (I'm spelling it how she sounded it out) Bitchin' Fries." (Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Shit.) I reply, "Um, do you mean, Bichon Frise? It's a french breed." (Stop laughing at the customer.) "Oh! That's how you say it? Well, now we won't have to whisper it in people's ears." (Please walk away so I can let the real laughter out - it hurts holding it in.)


"I'm gassy today." (Oh dear Lord. Thanks for the warning, but, over share, dude. Over share.)

"I'm really sorry for freaking out. I have G.A.D." (dazed & confused look.) "General Anxiety Disorder." (Riiiiight. Self diagnosis, am I right?)

"I'm really sorry for my attitude/mood swings." (One word: postal.) "I think my glucose levels are off today." (Ohh, that's --- what?)
"I think we're kindred spirits." (Um, okay . . .) "I feel like I could tell you my deepest, darkest secret." (On our third date? Please let it be he has a wife and three kids in Sydney.) "I don't like cheese." (.....................)

"I collect little Lego men." (pffft! really? I think my drink came out my nose.) "I'm currently living with Mom & Dad while I'm looking to buy a house." (buying a house? okay, I'll bite.) "I've been hunting for about two years." (............... blank stare .......)

"Hey, that's a cool bridge!" (Yep, the Brooklyn Bridge is pretty awesome.) "Hey, isn't that the Bay Bridge??" (Um. No.)

"Cool, a map of the US Mints. Let's see . . . where's Boulder?" (That would be in Colorado.) "Where's this one?" (That would be where WE ARE.) "Oh my gosh! You mean D.C. is all the way across the country?!" (and THAT would be why we had a 4 hour flight here. Duh.)

"Wow, what pretty graffiti." (pretty graffiti? isn't that an oxymoron?) "I wish all graffiti was like that!" (that's what we like to call a mural, sweetie.)

"Donate to our church!" (you guys realize you're in an intersection. literally.) [bangs on car windows] "Will you help us help our church?" (help yourselves away from the car.) "No donations means you're going to Hell!" (and you're not on my list to get into my party.)

"You're from California???" (yep, that's what I said.) "So, do you know a lot of celebrities?" (hahaha - no.) "Don't you live in L.A.?" (you do realize there's MORE to CA than just L.A., right?) "Well, you're by a beach then, right?" (the beach of the Sacramento River. does that count?)

I worked for Petco for 3 years, and I came across several nice folks who, while it was obvious the lights were on, it was apparent that no one was home. In some cases this shocked me; like how many times I had this conversation:

Me (heeeyy, he's cute): Hi there, can I help you?
Customer: Sure. I'm really loving this fish here. It's beautiful. I think I'll take it.
Me (ooh, switching to default mode): You'd like the Yellow Tang? Do you have a saltwater tank set up at home?
Customer: I'm sorry - a what?
Me (another one bites the dust): A saltwater tank. The Yellow Tang is a saltwater fish.
Customer: It's a fish. Doesn't it just need water?
Me (trying not laugh): Well, yes. But it needs saltwater, like the ocean. If your looking for freshwater fish, we have plenty to choose from over there in that section.
Customer: What's the difference?
Me (laughter subsiding, urge to slap commencing): Saltwater would be the ocean. Freshwater would be a stream or lake. Saltwater tanks are beautiful but really high maintenance. What sort of system do you have set up?
Customer: Well, I was just going to get a bowl. From the shelf out there.
Me (hello? anyone home? hello??): If you buy the Tang and put it in a bowl, it will be dead in mere minutes. If you're looking for a fish-in-a-bowl type, you can go with a Betta or a simple gold fish.
Customer: Well, how much would it cost to set up a small tank for this guy?
Me (waste. of. air.): About $500 minimum. I'll let you look around some more.

In my first three months, I had this "wonderful" encounter with an older gentleman:

Customer: I'm looking for something to keep the cats off my car.
Me (dumbfounded): Off your car, sir? I'm not sure that's physically possible.
Customer: I'm sick and tired of the cats running all over my car, leaving their paw prints.
Me (you and the rest of the world): I understand that - cats are notorious for going where ever their little hearts desire. But we don't really have anything that would keep a cat off a car.
Customer: Well, what do you have? I can't take this anymore.
Me (oh dear . . .): Well, we do have boundary/repellent sprays.
Customer: No no no, that won't do it. I need to keep them off the car. I don't think that will work on my car.
Me (well no shit Sherlock): Well . . . the only other thing we have are things to prevent cats from scratching furniture, but--
Customer: YEAH! Where's that stuff at???
Me (omg, what HAVE I done??): Ummm, okay. As you see, it's to stick on your couch or chair. It's all sticky and cats don't like it.
Customer: So if I put this on my car, they'll stay off it.
Me (danger will robinson, danger!): You want to put adhesive Sticky Paws on your car? Sir, that will damage the paint job.
Customer: Well, I'll put newspaper under it.
Me (uhhhhh......): So when the cat lands on the car, all of it will slide off - cat and sticky paws.
Customer: No, it won't.
Me (I can't believe I'm having this conversation): So you're going to drive around with Sticky Paws plastered all over your car?

Turns out his daughter forced him to come back the next day and return said items. During my conversation with this man, another coworker was laughing his ass off (literally) at the cash wrap and was in my view the whole time. Made it that much harder to keep a straight face.

Sometimes, you just have to wonder.