"Gassy Butts? We're ready for you now."

I should probably clarify right off the bat, that the title has nothing to with any issues I might have. Right now, my only issue is how fast I'm going through a box of Kleenex as my nose is now the biggest snot factory on the West Coast. Seriously.

This post has everything to do with what people name their pets. Or even the surnames of some folks. While I understand you can't help the name of the family you were born into, you do realize you can change your name later . . . right?

I also realize, that with your pets names, you might try for a play on words, if you have a last name that works that way. Last night at work, we came across "Gassy Butts". Last name Butts, first name, Gassy. I mean, really? You want to make a technician call your animal's name in the clinic when it's time to get you, "Gassy Butts? Hi, we're ready for you now." I mean, come on. Have some sympathy.

However, one should also take into account what you'll have to call down the street if your dog or cat is lost or just got out and is now terrorizing your neighbors. Do really want to yell out, "Here, Fatso!", "Hey Dumbass!", "Oh Stupid, come here!", or "Here, Lardass!", "Have you seen my little Hemorrhoid?", "Pardon me, I'm looking my cat, Roadkill.", "Anyone seen Mr. Crapsalot?". Come on, folks.

I mean, think about that one. What would you think if you heard your neighbors hollering out names like that? Now. Turn that around. You are really not doing anyone any favors by trying to be overly clever about naming your pets. No, really, you're not.

Now, while it's funny when it comes across a computer screen, "Gassy Butts" just isn't a fair name. I don't care how gassy that damn dog actually is. Don't be mean. You're probably lucky your parents weren't that mean to you.

On the other hand, don't be dumb about it, either. Don't name your dog "Cat" or your cat "Dog". People are just going to think you wanted the other animal when you got what you got. Or that you don't know the damned difference. Don't be like Psycho Suzi, and claim that you and your boyfriend are going to get a Dalmatian and name it "Dalmatian". It's like naming a spotted animal "Spot". Or a Chihuahua "Spike" or "Killer". Or only giving that tiny thing a complex . . . well, more than it already had, anyway.

Be cute or be silly, that's fine. But do you really have to get ugly? Because, trust me on this, that poor technician with your pets chart is really hating his/her job the moment they realize they have to call out in the lobby, "Gassy Butts?". I've been there. Just not with "Gassy Butts".