April Blogging Challenge: K is for Kiss

In yesterday's post, I mentioned a bad kisser. I think I shall elaborate, as it is quite funny. It does, however, still make me shudder. However, to get to the kiss, I shall have to relate a bit more about the guy. It might help explain the bad kissing . . . at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

His name was Rob, and we went out on probably 4 or 5 dates tops. Including our first meeting. We met via an internet dating site. I got a few yellow flags from the minute I met him, but the last day we hung out, all I got were red flags.

The first flag was that he had lied about his height. Now, I don't mind if a guy is short, but to lie about your height says that you're embarrassed by it. Another day, I think it was our third meet-up, he started making plans for things for us to that summer - cave spelunking, romantic weekends at Tahoe. On our third date. I'd also like to point out that summer was technically still two months away. I'm not commitment phobic, but he made me feel that way.

The last weekend we hung out, I had pretty much decided we weren't a good match. Unfortunately, I have never actually broken up with someone, so he was to be the first. It was eating me up inside. We went to lunch and the zoo. During lunch he told me that he felt we were kindred spirits and that he felt that he could tell me his deepest darkest secret. My imagination thought the worst: a wife and 3 kids in LA; convicted felon. And then he continued with, "I don't like cheese." (insert crickets here)

Once done with lunch, I tried to beat him to the car, as I wanted to test something. He always opened doors for me. Now, normally I love when guys open doors for me. But if I get to it first, I don't mind opening it myself. This goes for car doors, too. I get to my door and open it and he literally rips the door out of my hand so that he can open the damn door for me. Broke a nail in the process. He then said, "I know you can do it yourself, but my mother taught me to always open a door for a pretty lady." (while I agree . . . there's no reason to rip it from my hands you idiot). At the zoo, he embarrassed me with his horrendous parallel parking abilities. I had to actually back him in with hand signals. I offered to do it myself, because I'm pretty sure I could have done it easily, and I despise parallel parking.

While inside the zoo, he held my hand - backwards. Now, I know what you're thinking - how do you hold hands backward?? Easy. Just think how you usually hold hands with a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. Whose hand is in front, and whose hand is in back? Typically it's the "protector's" hand that is in the front, which would typically be the man, or if with kids it's the parent. He took my hand and my hand was kept in front, telling me that I apparently wore the pants in that relationship. Aaaalllrriiiigghty then. He also never moved to get out of anyone's way, always seeming to make people walk around us. I couldn't shake the guy.

Heading back to the car, he started asking me about past relationships, like my longest (which was about 4.5 years), and then he tells me he never had a relationship over six months. (red flag!) He asked me if I'd met anyone else off this particular site, and I answered with yes. He actually asked me if I was still seeing that guy. (um, no, that ended a couple months prior). He then tells me about his previous girlfriend who hadn't treated him well, and all this stuff. I felt bad about it, but really uncomfortable as I was wanting to end it all right then.

Back at his place (which was where my car was), I had been trying to think of a way to get away from him without the pending kiss I had a gut feeling was coming. We'd had a few pecks, but no "real" kiss. I had a sinking feeling in my gut that it was going to happen and I wanted to avoid it because my gut told me it wouldn't be good. He pulled me in for a hug, and while I tried to move my face away, I apparently wasn't fast enough. And sure enough, he planted those lips on mine, and I was actually physically repulsed.

If any of you have ever seen the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte dates a bad kisser - that's the only thing I can think to equate it to. Although, he might have been better.

I felt as if the entire lower half of my face was gone. From nose to chin. Felt as if it had been sucked into a vortex. And this little tongue kept trying to meet my tonsils. He pulled away a moment later, and actually apologized if he was a bad kisser, that his previous girlfriend didn't let him practice much. (internal scream of terror) I couldn't bear to tell him that I was gagging on the inside, but said something akin to, "Oh no, it's okay . . . I really should get -" And he cut me off with another kiss. I had to endure it twice. I finally managed to pull away from him, and managed to leave the house. Ever the gentleman (and I do believe this was the only time I've ever hated a guy for being a gentleman) he walked me to my car.

Where he promptly assaulted my mouth for a third time. And no, it never got better. Evidently my avoidance skills were on vacation that day.

I drove around the block and parked to see if I could find something to wipe off my face. He'd slobbered all over it. I mean, I know that kissing can get a bet wet and sloppy, but that was freaking ridiculous. I actually pulled into a McDonald's to eat something that would get me to put something in my mouth that didn't make me gag; it was probably fries or a McFlurry or something.

I know everyone has different thoughts on when a first kiss should happen and whether or not tongue should be involved. It is my opinion that there really shouldn't be much if any on the first kiss. I was disgusted with this guy's blatant attempt at tonsil hockey - of which he was really bad at. I mean, it was like his lips didn't move, he just attempted to suck the air out of my lungs, and only his tongue moved.

(shudders uncontrollably)

Okay, now I need to go brush my teeth and watch a movie with Hugh Jackman or Gerard Butler . . .

Just in case you were wondering . . . when I typed in Google, "Bad Kisser Images" the first thing to pop up was a picture of Robert Pattinson.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!