I think and I think . . . yet, am still uncertain.

A few blogs back, I mentioned something (a mere snippet) about needing to mull something over myself. I've been wanting to blog about it, yet I'm still not sure if I really know what to think. Is that normal? To think something over, then you think your over-thinking it, so you try to stop thinking about it, then you start thinking your not thinking enough. Good Lord, it's enough to drive a person bat shit crazy.

Since I've started blogging, I know I've mentioned that money is a wee bit on the short side, and how I'm having to seriously budget myself. I've been doing okay, making it without having to go beg my parents for money. I have forbidden myself to participate in the United Way campaign at my job, simply because I don't have the spare money to donate for 8 weeks in a row. Or one week, for that matter. I've cut down on my random spending. Before I put something that I "want" versus "need" in my cart, I put it back on the shelf and tell myself that when I'm done shopping for the things I require and I have extra money, I will get it. Hasn't happened yet. I've cut down on my eating out - which was mostly convenience as I really don't care for cooking. Seriously, they shouldn't make eating out so accessible. It ought to be a crime.

I've blogged about my job. Little bits here and there, sometimes about the pressure (United Way, anyone?), the nights from hell (hand pumping water for 8 hours) , and the silly (hello stainer conversation). I've blogged about working graveyard shift, which in case you were wondering, still sucks after working it for 6 years. My parents once told me they that they had given me something like 6 months of working graveyard before I'd quit. And I did quit once. I found another job, working normal 8-5. Turned out, it wasn't a good fit. Turns out the job description was a generalized description and had nothing to do with my actual job. I had to pay for parking, union dues, and better benefits. In the end, I got paid less and I took a step backward and was bored to the point of self destruction. It lasted about 2 full months. I left that job and went crawling back to my old one. And there I've stayed.

During my parents most recent visit a couple weeks ago, they mentioned a possibility to me. A possibility that has been mentioned to me before off and on by my grandparents for the last few years. My grandfather owns a cattle ranch, and also has a publication. They've tried to get me up there for years. I was always on a new lease with an apartment complex. I knew I wouldn't get paid what I do at my current job (which I still feel isn't near enough, but I'm a peon so what's it matter?). There was always some excuse I had, even though part of me wanted to go up there and give it a shot.

What if that opportunity came knocking now? I'll be going up there in a couple weeks to visit, and I'm sure it will come up. Especially considering the conversation my parents had with me a couple weeks ago. My parents had just come back from a few days with my grandparents and from what I can tell, the subject matter came up. From what I gather, my grandfather would like me to take over his business(es).

Am I ready to drop everything here? To move to a place where I know two people (my grandparents)? To move to a place where (single) men are rather scarce? A place that boasts one 4-way stop in town, and it's not out of place to see a 10yr old driving a Dodge Ram in town? A town that has like, one restaurant in town? A place where not even Wal-Mart exists?



But was I ready to move to Sac 6 years ago? I never really liked big cities, and Sac was more than big enough for me to get lost in a dozen times my first few months here. I knew two people when I moved here - the sister of the guy I was dating and her boyfriend. Not that I hung out with them without the boyfriend around, so really, I didn't know a soul here. I've never really had a proper life here. Most of the people I know are people I work with. That was just another reason for me starting to volunteer down here - to meet people. My hours make any attempt at a social life just that much more difficult. Between my hours and my shyness, men are just as scarce in the big city. Plus when I do meet them, they're city boys, not country boys.

Truth is, I love going up there to their ranch. It's peaceful. It's almost like going back in time. People wave at you as you drive through town - even when they don't know you. I like it when they put me to work up there. I usually learn something, and I enjoy being outdoors. I'm not afraid of hard work. I haven't been very happy for a long time. While I like my job and that fact that I have a job, there's too much that goes on that eventually wears on you. Makes you all "snippy". While I like the majority of those I work with, there are some that I have lost all respect for - this includes members of management. I live paycheck to paycheck, and my rent payment is what some people pay for their mortgages. I deem that slightly unfair.

My parents told me that 25 years ago, they were in a similar spot. They wanted to get out of the city and back to where they grew up. My grandfather (my mom's dad) helped them out. He asked my parents how much money they had saved up. Their reply? Five dollars. Not a far cry from where I currently sit.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. For the first time, things could actually work. I might be able to go to a place where I'm happier, and have a job I enjoy doing. Is it possible? Could I really just up and leave? I've been chewing on this for a couple weeks. I've shed tears over it, trying to figure things out for myself. All I've ever wanted was just to be happy.

And right now, I know I'm not.